My ex’s porn was what brought up my first deeply insecure sexual revelation. As I began typing out a web search, predicative text tattled on him. Several phrases came up regarding porn featuring pegging, the act of a woman wearing a harness and using a dildo to penetrate a man. I was repulsed at the idea of “wearing” a cock, but I was also just twenty-one. I thought, I am certainly not going to be doing that for him, and then I thought, well, at least he’s getting this desire filled somewhere.
And then I considered why I felt so strongly about it. Luckily, I happened to work at a feminist sex shop, so in addition to knowing I needed to work through some funky programming I had around sex, I also had a group of experts at my disposal. My employer, a doctor and professor of human sexuality, asked me if the idea of wearing a bedazzled harness and sparkly pink dildo would make me feel less averse.
It did not.
I talked and talked about ways to get over my intense aversion to this specific sex act to no avail. I had to let my boyfriend know what I’d found. He reacted defensively. Despite my inability to embrace or eroticize his interest, I let him know that it was totally okay that he liked something that freaked me out—it wasn’t hurting anyone, and he got off on it. His shame over being found out dissipated and my nerves around offending him calmed. After settling into our newfound shared knowledge, I continued pursuing getting cozy with pegging. Eventually, after months of nothing working, I bought myself some pegging supplies and surprised him—after I’d sunk two margaritas—for our anniversary.
To my astonishment, pegging was just sex. There was nothing weird about it at all! In fact, the reversal of being the one who needed to be patient, warm up my partner and choose the pace was really fun! I had been terrified of this totally normal sexual act up until the moment I tried it. It was a revelation.
Instantly—after months of trying everything but trying it—it was completely normal.
What I’ve learned as a sexual being and sex educator is that we tend to have knee-jerk reactions around insecurities. For me, with pegging, I was afraid that not only would my partner prefer me to have a penis and that my own anatomy wasn’t “enough,” but also that he would eventually come out as gay. Admittedly, this is a very naïve way of thinking, but I was very naïve. My thought was that he’d hid his sexual desires from me, so how was I to know what else could have been tucked away in the crevasses of his insecurity? Ironically, while that ex is years in the rearview, my own husband and I enjoy pegging on the regular and we mutually get off on our shared bisexuality. You never know how your sexuality will unfold or what new things will peak your interest, but it will become more rewarding with every new experience you choose.
It doesn’t have to be something like pegging to work on getting more comfortable with your sexuality. It could be that the idea of doggy style freaks you out, or perhaps you recoil when your partner suggests checking out a sex toy shop. Maybe you’re uncomfortable making yourself orgasm during penetration. Maybe you cannot wrap your head around why your date likes to be handcuffed and blindfolded, let alone peed on. Maybe it’s something you’re too freaked out by to even type into the search bar.
Wherever you’re at in your sexual process, know that there’s great power looking your fears in the eye and questioning them. Exploring your interests and aversions doesn’t necessarily mean you need to or will get over them (or into them) but it does allow you to get to know them, and yourself in the process.
Here are four steps to take you past your fears, toward an even better sex life.
1. Talk
An important part of normalizing the behavior you’re working on is to talk about it with a friend, partner, or therapist. Simply by airing it out, you relieve a little bit of the pressure that’s built up around the topic. Once you’ve done this a few times, it will feel a lot less charged.
2. Research
Try finding a few different porn videos or erotica stories about the thing you’re feeling negatively about and see if they turn you on. Allow yourself room for zero self-judgement, just see how your body reacts. Read up on your topic of choice and get to know it as intimately as possible.
3. If You’re Partnered, Establish Openness
One of the problems detailed above is a sense of needing to hide information and feelings. Shame does not protect you, it only inhibits your ability to grow. By establishing an open line of communication via check-ins, bringing up new ideas and even uncomfortable ones, and responding to that communication in nonjudgmental but honest ways, your relationship will have room to grow, and you and your partner will be able to grow together.
4. Try it
When all else fails, if you feel like giving it a shot before calling it quits, go for it. You may surprise yourself! In the end, you are not required to “get over” anything. It does not make you a better person for putting yourself through more discomfort, and the only person who can decide that you need to overcome anything is you.
Working on these feelings is tough, but it’s also freeing. And you have the power to choose.
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What a truly wonderful article! Well written. Thank you.