How to Share Sexual Fantasies with a Partner

Spilling sexy desires to your partner can be difficult. But it can also bring you closer together. The erotic imagination is a powerful tool that can take your mind places you’d never dare go in  real life. For example, I fantasize about getting down bareback with a group of strangers while blindfolded. Would I want this happen in real life? Hell no. The STI risk alone makes me shiver. Having fantasies makes me feel sexually empowered and there’s vulnerability and connection in sharing these wild thoughts with a partner.

Here are 7 tips on how to reveal your sexual fantasies to a partner:

Check any judgement

Before you whisper a single sexy wish, pinky swear promise that you won’t pass judgment on your partner’s fantasy. Even if their fantasies don’t align with yours, you can still listen and not pass verbal judgment. It’s absolutely essential to have a safe space for discussion.

Trust your gut

Chances are you wouldn’t tell a casual coworker your deepest, darkest sexual desires. I refrain from doing so with new partners as well. For me, there needs to be an element of trust before I’m willing to be vulnerable in bed.

Start small

When you share fantasies, you run the risk of your partner thinking it’s weird/gross/perverted. Instead of springing your kinkiest fantasy on your partner, start small and take it slow. For example, if you want to be blindfolded, tied to the bed and spanked, I’d start with any one of those three elements before presenting the full-blown scenario.

Keep it breezy

I have a wide variety of sexual interests and fantasies, which can be scary to less experienced partners. There’s a fine line between being sex-positive and appropriate and I never want my openness to make someone else uncomfortable. When exploring with a partner, I position fantasies in a low-pressure manner, like “I wouldn’t mind introducing a masturbation sleeve into our play.” This approach allows the other person to dive deeper into the conversation if they want to without making a big deal.

Make porn your friend

Perhaps you have an idea of a fantasy that excites you, but are unsure of how to present it to your partner. Porn can be a useful crutch. There have been many times I’ve used a sexy onscreen scene to illustrate an interest to a partner without having to outright detail a specific roleplay. If you don’t feel comfortable watching porn with a partner, you can send a link with an “I think this is hot” message.

Learn to compromise

Let’s say your partner wants to engage in public sex at the local park – and you don’t. If the element of exhibitionism is the turn on, you could compromise by having sex in a less public place where people could sneak a peek, like a bedroom with the blinds open or your back deck after dark. Like all sexual activity, it’s essential for any compromise to be consensual.

Be realistic

If you really want a fantasy to translate into real life, tread cautiously. You may be able to negotiate and navigate a successful threesome with your hot single neighbor. But unless it’s presented properly, it could set off fireworks with your partner – and not in a good way. Have an honest conversation with your partner about expectations and boundaries before breathing life into any fantasies.

Remember: You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t be afraid to talk with your partner and try something new. Fantasies are supposed to be fun.


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How to Share Sexual Fantasies with a Partner
How to Share Sexual Fantasies with a Partner
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Charyn Pfeuffer

Charyn is a versatile print and digital writer, editor and strategist, specializing in food, travel, lifestyle and sex-positive topics. Full bio and more articles by Charyn.

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