If You're Pre-Orgasmic, Start Here

It’s totally normal for a woman to have problems achieving orgasms. In fact, 10 percent of women never achieve orgasm, and research shows that 30 percent of women will have trouble with a big finish at some point in her life.

Because so much emphasis is placed on sexual pleasure ending with orgasms, lots of women wonder if there’s something wrong with them. In fact it’s a common concern trained professionals address. If you are a woman who can’t achieve orgasm, remember that you’re not alone. Here are four things you can do embrace your state of being, and get closer to the big “O”.

Don’t Try to Fix What Isn’t Broken

There are a lot of reasons a woman may have a hard time coming. If she ever had a lover who criticized her appearance, or how she performed in bed, her body may still be keeping score. Or it may be purely physical—occasionally, a traumatic playground accident or other childhood medical trauma results in problems with the plumbing. The important thing to do is know that it is completely normal—our sexual abilities change due to any number of factors. Accept your body where it’s at. You don’t owe anyone your orgasms, and shouldn’t feel pressured to finish just because you hear “Come for me,” during a sexual encounter.

Intellectualize Your Orgasm

Get out of the failure loop! The brain is our most powerful sex organ. What’s going on up there will almost always impact what’s going on down there. If you can’t get yourself out of an inhibiting thought cycle (“I can’t come,” “Why can’t I come?,” “I will never come”), then you continuously set yourself up to fail. Instead of continuing with the negative messaging, try some positive affirmations. Thank your body for all the wonderful ways it does serve you and honor the limitations every body has. Measure progress, not protest. If we get hung up about our performance, it’s difficult to stay turned on.

Try Toys for Pleasure

Your fingers are always amazing, but sometimes you need to shake things up. If you have difficulty achieving orgasm manually, with your lover’s tongue or through penetration and clitoral stimulation combined (penetration alone generally won’t due), you can always turn to toys. Hard, plastic vibrators are a favorite of many, and power is a plus if you’re all about pressure. If you prefer internal vibration, or stimulation, something curved to hit the G-spot could do the trick. Butt plugs can also enhance orgasm if you need a different kind of stimulation. The only thing that won’t work is not trying.

Talk About It—There’s No Shame

Sometimes we need to talk with a trained professional in order to uncover some childhood sexual trauma, religious beliefs, family values or shame that has led us to believe that losing control of our bodies is a bad thing. Or we need to see a medical professional to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Women can get so caught up in the social aspects of what it means to feel good about their bodies, that they can’t allow themselves to let loose. Discussing where you’re at with your girlfriends and a trusted doctor might be just what you need to ease some of the stress you’re feeling.

Whatever the trouble may be, if not having an orgasm is causing significant distress, it’s time to turn to someone who can help. Pick up one of Dr. Sadie’s  books or look up an instructional video. Break up with that feeling of being broken! Trust me, your  libido and your body will thank you.

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Jamye Waxman

Jamye Waxman

Jamye Waxman is a Sex Educator and a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern practicing in Los Angeles, CA. She is passionate about working with people who are exploring their sexuality and gender, and is also dedicated to working with people in alternative relationships and the LGBTQI community. Jamye is the author of four books, including her latest, "How to Break Up With Anyone." Full bio and more articles by Jamye.

2 thoughts on “If You’re Pre-Orgasmic, Start Here

  • October 26, 2017 at 3:39 pm
    Permalink

    I disagree with this idea that it’s “totally normal” for a woman to have problems achieving orgasm. Unfortunately, it’s somewhat common but NOT normal. There is all the negative conditioning that affects women a lot more then men, but to say that it is “normal” only becomes part of the negative conditioning you are trying to undo. I always had amazing full body orgasms since I was a teenager, never heard such thing when I was a young girl, and I’m glad I didn’t because when you say such things then you set up women and young girls to expect problems with orgasm. GET IT!!!?? Stop saying that it is normal to have problems achieving orgasm, IT IS NOT!! Change the language you use to talk about it. Never forget to say lots of us women do orgasm easily, wonderfully whole body and ALWAYS!! Do not add more negative conditioning to what’s out there already!

    Reply
    • Deahna S.
      October 31, 2017 at 8:53 am
      Permalink

      Thank you for your opinion Susan. There was not meant to be a negative connotation in saying that it is normal for a woman to have problems achieving orgasm. This blog post was meant to be a call-out to those women, who might simply need help with learning to orgasm or who want to understand why they’re having trouble orgasming. Saying that they actually aren’t normal could create a sense of unnecessary alienation. I do understand your thoughtful point though. Thank you again!

      Reply

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