Even though Henry Kissinger was not referencing BDSM when he stated, “power is the ultimate aphrodisiac”, he was onto something. The exchange of power is a primary pillar of BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission) and truth be told, experiencing a rush of power as the Dominant or submissive partner can be intoxicating. A misconception about BDSM or kinky sex is that pain is required. This is not true; erotic power exchange simply involves one partner handing over control to the other in a meaningful way.
A classic component of bondage is impact play. This includes spanking, flogging, and even caning. Playful spanking (and other elements of BDSM) can be a gateway to a stronger bond with your lover, and incorporating a sexual fantasy into your repertoire has its rewards:
- It turns your partner on. Is there anything hotter than taking your partner’s sexual excitement into overdrive?
- The communication, trust, and care required is a vehicle to deeper emotional connection and intimacy with your lover.
Here are some basic steps to get your feet wet.
Communication before, during and after any sort of power exchange or BDSM role playing is crucial. This includes establishing a safe word initially to use when either partner wants to immediately stop activity. This can be as lighthearted as the word ‘banana’ or ‘pussycat’. It is okay to change your mind at any given moment if you have reached your personal comfort threshold.
If you are in the research phase for spanking instruments, reach for something already in your home, such as a paddle hairbrush, or a wooden spoon. Note that any tool with a smaller surface area, like a crop, will create a very sharp sensation. For beginners, choosing a tool that makes a ‘thuddy’ sound as opposed to a snap, crackle, or pop will be less painful. Think a wide, fur-lined paddle, or a flogger with thick, soft straps.
- Position: For beginners, the traditional over-the-knee (OTK) is a classic position. However, instructing the submissive to lean against an object like a chair is just as reliable as long as the object remains sturdy.
- Placement: Keep impact confined to the peek of the butt and below. Anywhere above could put the kidneys and tailbone in jeopardy. The fleshiest part of the butt should be the bullseye. The ‘sweet spot’ is where the upper thigh meets the butt. By focusing on medium-to intense impact here, the sweet spot is close enough to the genitalia to send pleasurable aftershocks to the testicles or the vulva.
- Pace: Rapid, repeat strikes can be jarring. As the Dominant, take your time and distribute calculated strokes that allow for breathing room and suspense! The element of surprise goes hand-in-hand with spank-induced euphoria.
Whether you spank for pain, pleasure, or both, it will result in a rush of adrenaline and release of endorphins. Effective aftercare can range from:
- A verbal re-cap to discuss what was good, or what you may want to change next time
- Eating chocolate to replenish oxytocin
- Kisses, light strokes or a massage to promote relaxation
- Applying lotion or chilled aloe vera for cooling relief (unless you enjoy the pain and prefer to bask in the sting)
Pro tip: Always keep an open mind, and don’t knock it ‘til you spank it!
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