8 Desperate Things 90’s Kids Did for Their Porn Fix

Us kids of the 90’s lived without Internet. It didn’t exactly suck because we had no clue what we were missing. But as a result, we were forced to use exceedingly desperate measures to get our porn fix. In fact, when I think back to my childhood, a lot of the misadventures us neighborhood kids found ourselves in revolved around the noble quest of seeing boobs. Those reading this article who grew up in the 90s might have a smirk on their faces remembering their own zany escapades. For those of you who didn’t grow up in the era of side-scrolling video games and Pogs, here’s how we got by…

1. Communal porn stashes

In my neighborhood, there was a majestic tree that all the kids knew about. It was a lot like the tree in To Kill A Mockingbird, but instead of finding soap carvings and bubblegum, we would discover Playboys. And let me tell you, we fought hard to stock that tree. The things we did to acquire those porn magazines went above, and beyond the effort we put into homework. More on that later.

2. Creativity

To a 90s kid, almost anything could be porn. Lingerie catalogs. Music videos on MTV. National Geographic magazines. Fashion shows where the models didn’t wear bras, so you got to see their boobies bounce up and down and—if you were lucky—catch a glimpse of some wandering nipple. Commercials.

3. Friends with Internet

Okay, so we did have Internet. But not many people had it, it was painfully slow, and the porn options were super scarce. It would take many years for the Internet to be blessed with the infinite material to appease every possible sexual appetite it possesses today.

4. Staying up past our bedtime

There were these channels that would play movies with softcore porn in them, and it was everything. But they would only play these movies on weekends after midnight, so you had to be super covert about it. If things lined up right and your parents went to bed early, you would sneak downstairs to the family television (back then the average television per household was two. One was usually in your parent’s bedroom, and the other was always in the family room). Then you would have to quickly turn the volume to zero before it woke everyone up (if you were extra clever, you would lower the volume beforehand), and then you would hope your parents didn’t catch you.

I remember doing this just to admire the female form. I didn’t really know what masturbating was, so I would just sit there in awe, with my hand on the power knob (of the television! Some of our TVs still had knobs and dials back then). Then I would enjoy all the fun hormones flowing through me. I was such a little weirdo.

5. Keeping track of which movies had boobs in them

Before Mr. Skin came out in 1999, we had no way of knowing which films had nudity in them. Of course, you wouldn’t be able to rent these movies yourself, anyway. You would have to come across these sultry scenes during family movie night. Only after suffering the cringe-worthy nightmare of sexuality exploding on screen with your parents in the same room, would you know where the skin was exposed.

From there, it was kind of an elaborate system. If you were lucky enough to get access to the movie before it was returned to Blockbuster and your parents were either sleeping or doing some gardening or whatever, you would fast forward the video to the good stuff—if your parents were kind, and they rewound the tape. Then you would watch that blissful scene a few times and then rewind it again. Of course, then you would brag to all your friends which movie and when the sighting occurred. I could more accurately list which films from the 90s had nudity in them than list US presidents.

6. Distracting the convenience store clerk

This was a two-person job. One had to distract the clerk, while the other peak at the dirty mags on the top shelf of the magazine rack. This was the signature move of two of my childhood best friends. Except these two clowns eventually used this plot to steal the magazines. In fact, that’s how our porno tree was stocked. Their operation went smoothly until one day the clerk chased my friend outside the store, and his clumsy ass fell over when he tried to hop on his getaway bike.

7. Our dad’s porno mags

We all had that one friend who knew where his dad kept his entire porn magazine stash. Some of these stockpiles were absolute goldmines. I’m talking decades of naked women. From bush to landing strips to Brazilians.

8. Our imagination

I totally forgot we did this! I was reminded while writing a separate point. There was actually a time where we used our imaginations to think about sexy thoughts. Just like our grandparents did before television or nudie mags. We would recall particular things we witnessed during the day—perhaps we saw a girl at the waterpark who made the opportune choice of wearing a white t-shirt, or we walked behind a lady who was walking up the stairs wearing a skirt—and then we would just think about that. A lot of women still do this today during intimate solo times, but men nowadays? There’s a neverending selection of porno which is always available on the tiny device we keep in our pocket. Why would we EVER use our imagination?

After writing this article, I’ve come to realize something… We had it really good growing up in the 90s. Porn was a cherished and sacred thing. It was scarce. More forbidden and naughty. You got whatever porn you got, and you were thrilled with it. There was no critically scrolling through the relentless options, further propelling a culture of never being satisfied and always wanting something new or different.

I’ll never forget that awkward lust. The adrenaline rush of trying not to get caught. That desperate hunt for the next porn fix. We had to be creative and cunning back then. And to me, that made porn all the more exciting.

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