It used to be that we were only bombarded with ads for male enhancement products when we were looking at porn (research purposes only, ladies, we swear). Now we’re forced to see old men with pill-induced, eight-hour boners during commercial breaks on every channel. Whether we’re talking about pharmaceuticals or devices, like penis pumps, advertisers are preying on a basic male instinct to desire being well endowed.
Though it’s probably true that most women prefer their man to have a big heart, it’s not uncommon for us to equate larger penis size with being more of a man. Our porn research typically yields us only very-large specimens to compare our own members to, after all, so it’s easy for many of us to have occasional feelings of inadequacy.
You might be wondering if there’s a no-cost, pill-free way to increase length or girth. Have you considered stretching?
Simple penis-stretching exercises have been shown to provide a recognizable boost in the size department. I’m no doctor, and you’re not receiving medical advice here. In fact, science hasn’t looked into this practice much at all, from what I can tell. I’m just going to tell you about the three stretches that worked for me—and without you having to worry about intercepting the mail before your lady opens a mysterious, discrete package that causes a bunch of embarrassment.
First, if at any point you feel pain—stop! You’re doing something wrong. That said, you don’t want to be erect at all when you do the stretches. That’s how things get hurt when you’re just starting out. The concept isn’t so foreign from stretching muscles before and after exercise. Though the penis is an organ, not a muscle, the general idea here is to gradually increase blood capacity by gently stretching the tissue over time. And greater blood capacity means bigger erections.
And like with any physical activity, you’ll want to start off warmed-up. We’ve all had our George Costanza moments in cold water, so you know what I’m talking about. We don’t want our ‘lil guy to be contracting into the body when we begin, so a warm, damp cloth will make things more conducive. Better yet, take your stretching into a nice shower or bath. It doesn’t matter if you’re lying down, sitting or standing, as long as you’re comfy. Now, you’re ready to begin stretching.
The Simple Stretch
I begin by gripping the shaft slightly below the head, essentially holding it in an OK sign made with my thumb and index finger, then gently pulling it away from my body. I hold it for 10-30 seconds, then slowly release. Remember, start off easy. It’s not supposed to hurt at any point. Don’t tense up or hold your breath. Breathe and be relaxed.
I repeat by stretching in other directions—left, right and upward—though I personally avoid stretching in the downward direction because some speculate that could be bad. All said I spend about 10 minutes twice a day (or 20 minutes once a day) doing these easy stretching exercises, and the result is definitely noticeable.
But you have to be committed to putting in the time, and understand that it will take at least a month before you start to notice the difference. Even 10 minutes a day will do when you’re just starting off. Plus, you can turn on your favorite series on Netflix to help get you through it.
Once you get into a good flow, you can begin supplementing these simple stretches with jelqing. To properly jelq, you’ll need some lube and a penis at half-mast (50% full). I recommend using a water-based lube because it’s better in every way, but especially for jelqing, as it can really go the distance when you add water. And just like for the previous exercise, make sure to warm up your bits before stretching.
Now, you’re ready to milk your dong like a cow. Make the OK sign you learned about during the previous stretching exercise, and place it at the base of your shaft, right against your pubic bone. With a little pressure, slide your hand towards the tip. Stop when you reach your penis head, and the next hand will perform the second jelq. Continue making this motion with each hand, and now you’re jelqing, my man. When starting out, I recommend doing about 50-100 jelqs about five times per week, and then slowly increase that number at your own pace.
Ready for another workout for the old meat thermometer? Try hanging weights over long periods of time. This method may be impractical for most men, as it’s not exactly easy to saunter through the workplace with a marble-filled sock hanging from your cock. But if you live alone or you work from home in a robe as I do, it’s definitely worth considering. As mentioned earlier, some people believe stretching downward is not a good idea, so try this exercise at your own risk—or maybe do some research first.
Hanging devices can be bought online, but you can MacGyver your own with a sock, some marbles (or any other small, heavy things you can find), and some string. Just don’t tie the string too tightly, or you can cause damage. And, as always, start slow. Maybe begin with a few marbles and gradually increase the weight and the hang time.
Now that you’ve read this, there might be a voice in the back of your head, skeptical of what I’ve shared with you today. Perhaps it’s convinced you that increasing the size of your manhood is impossible. Maybe you’ll even check out what “experts” or doctors have to say on the matter. To that little voice, and to all the haters, who for some reason want to crush man’s collective dream of having a larger penis, there are two relevant pieces of knowledge I want to drop.
First of all, human beings can stretch every other part of their body to be larger, like their ears, and even their necks. So why can’t the penis be pulled bigger, hmmm?
Secondly, scientists can get four football fields of skin from one baby’s foreskin. Sooo, yeah. It’s pretty stretchy down there.
If your romantic partners are cruel about your size, or the fellas in the locker room keep teasing you—who gives a f*ck? Dicks are funny things, so laugh with them. Grow yourself a bigger weenie because you want to grow yourself a bigger weenie, and get on with your bad self. Just be sure to share these sacred teachings with your friends, just as it’s been handed down by the skin flute masters before us.
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