Often one of our biggest relationship fears is that our partner will be unfaithful. The idea of the person we love being sexual with someone else behind our backs is, frankly, terrifying. Key words: Behind our backs.

For many couples it isn’t the cheating that is the problem—it’s the secrecy. In fact, there are many couples who actually get off watching their partner be sexual with someone else. Yes—not only do they not mind it, they actually encourage it to spice things up in the bedroom. Welcome to cuckolding, which is a form of consensual non-monogamy. (Other forms? Polyamory and swinging.) It is a thing, and lots of people love it. Here’s why:

Secrets are no fun.

“I don’t define cheating as my partner having sex with someone else. I define it as any kind of secret or lie. We’re all entitled to our privacy, but if you’re my partner there shouldn’t be much that I don’t know, especially when it comes to your morals and values. So for me, if my partner wanted to sleep with someone else, provided I was a part of the experience and we took it on as a team, I’m down with that.” — Gaby, 31

It’s all about teamwork.

“I used to be paranoid about my boyfriend cheating on me. It was my biggest fear and the thought would eat away at my mind. But I found that when I masturbated, my fantasies were about him having sex with someone else. When I expressed these fantasies to him, we started incorporating it into our dirty talk in bed. He’d ask me what I wanted him to do to another girl and the words got me so turned on that we decided to try a threesome. Now it’s something we bring into our marriage on a semi-regular basis. The idea that it’s the two of us as a team pleasing another person actually has brought us closer together.” — Sara, 35

Do you validate?

“Maybe this is insecure of me, but I love knowing another guy wants to have sex with my girlfriend. It validates me. It’s hot to know that the woman I think is so sexy is also desired by other people. And I love watching her get off, even if I’m not the one to do it. It’s porn, in real life, and my girlfriend is the star.” — Scott, 29

You get what you need.

“My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Eventually you learn both of each other’s bag of tricks inside and out. And while familiar sex is comforting in its own way, it’s true that one person often can’t be everything for everyone, especially if you have a high sex drive and find sex to be an important part of your daily happiness. If there is communication, trust, and an open dialog, watching your partner have sex with someone else is a safe way to accelerate the adventure in the bedroom. Especially if you’ve been together a long time. We all need to keep things exciting, and if no one is getting hurt in the process then it could be really fun. You never know how much you might like something or how much you might need something until you try.” — Will, 42

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For many couples the idea of a threesome is a taboo fantasy—one they talk about but never act on. For other couples it’s the ultimate nightmare—how can you stand to watch?

And then there are those couples for whom threesomes are what keep their relationship alive. Their sex lives—and life overall as a couple—thrive on threesomes. It turns out, sex with other people is actually what brought them closer together and sustains them over time.

Once you have trust, there is nothing you can’t face together.

“Threesomes used to be my worst fear. I am very possessive and territorial. The idea of my man having sex with another woman, even with me there, filled me with dread. What if he liked her better? What if they started a secret relationship? I found, however, when I was masturbating that the fantasies that always got me off were thinking of my boyfriend having sex with someone else. I figured that had to come from somewhere, so I started talking with him about it. The more we talked about it and the more honest I was with him, the more we felt like a true team. It took a long time before I felt comfortable enough to try it, but when we did it was pretty incredible. Here we were, the two of us as one unit, on a great sexual journey. The other woman couldn’t even touch the bond we felt. It was us working together to please her. And it opened the door for us to be even more honest about what fantasies we liked. Once you have that trust there is literally nothing that the two of you can’t face together.” — Shawna, 31

At the end of the night, the one holding her is me.

“I’ve never needed anyone to tell me my girlfriend is sexy. When I’m attracted to a woman that’s all I need. That said, it’s definitely validating to see another man getting as turned on by her as I do. When we’ve had threesomes I love watching how much she excites another guy. I also love to watch her get pleased, even if I’m not the one doing it. I’m still there in the room watching her have a blast. And at the end of the night, the one holding her and laughing about what a great time we had is me.” — Michael, 34

Who doesn’t like surf’n’turf?

“Sex with one person can get kind of stale after a while. One person can’t possibly fulfill another person’s every sexual desire. But if you can find a partner that wants to help you find exactly what you’re looking for, and get in on it with you, isn’t that the dream? My partner gives me everything I need emotionally. I am in a relationship with him. But he knows that sexual monogamy isn’t something I am interested in. Yet, I don’t need to have sexual experiences without him. I just like adding someone new into the mix now and again. It keeps our desire alive and keeps our sexlife fresh. After 13 years together, you need a little changeup. Even after the best steak every day for 13 years, you’re going to start to crave some lobster. And who doesn’t like surf’n’turf?” — Will, 44

There’s nothing more freeing in the world.

“I’m a pretty reserved person in my everyday life. One might say a control freak. I have a strict schedule, a demanding job, and a crazy workout routine. I think kinky sex, for me, is an outlet to break the conventional ‘rules.’ I like that I have a husband that understands this about me. He puts up with my carb-cycling calendar and my mani/pedi Mondays. He understands what I am about, and that I need some sort of freaky sex-fest release. Every once in a while we bring in a guest star and I like it when the two of them go to town on me. I just have someone who understands that. I wish for everyone to find a partner who just gets what they are about. There’s nothing more freeing in the world.” — Cass, 37

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For many, the idea of a threesome is the ultimate fantasy. Pleasing or getting pleased by two people at the same time? Sign. Us. Up. We’ve all seen porn, so we know that threesomes can be all-out pleasure fests. But, as with most things in porn, the fantasy doesn’t always translate in reality. At least was the case for these poor folks. Here are a few real-life tales of threesomes gone wrong.

A Respectful Twosome

“I was dating two waitresses simultaneously, both of whom were in other relationships. One night we all ended up in the same bed. One of them was an animal, and the other one was a bit more shy. So confronted with the situation, the shy one wasn’t keen on the threesome. So instead of being an asshole I very respectfully shagged the other one while the shy one went to sleep.” — Dane, 35

Failure to Report for Duty

“Two of my women friends got horny enough to suggest we all have a threesome. This was going to be my first one, so I basically geared up for the greatest night of my life. When I got to the apartment, everything was working just as it was supposed to until my soldier decided to not show up for duty, if you know what I mean. I think I got stage fright. Cut to me in the bathroom yelling at my dick to stand up, saying ‘This is our moment, buddy!’ When I came out of the bathroom the two of them had already started with each other and I still wasn’t responding so I just went home. I was depressed for two days.” — David, 34

‘Hooker’ is Not a Compliment

“My partner and I brought another guy back to our place for a fun night of play. When I was giving him a blowjob, he started saying, in broken English, ‘you blow like a hooker.’ My partner couldn’t stop laughing and eventually we had to ask our new friend to go home.” — George, 39

Freudian ‘Slip’

“My husband really wanted a threesome, so I decided before we got married I’d make it happen for him. We had one rule: he didn’t put it in her. Everything was going fine, we were all in heap with flailing limbs and people kissing parts and I was insanely turned on. I mouthed to him, ‘finger her.’ I guess in his euphoria he interpreted it as, ‘fuck her.’ He started to put his penis in her, so I freaked out and ran out of the room crying. That was the last we ever dabbled in threesomes.” — Lauren, 33

Master of None

“I’m not a newbie to threesomes. I’ve actually had quite a few in my day. I love them, but only when I’m the guest star. I couldn’t deal with the emotional fallout after a threesome if I was in a couple. Especially when the man in the relationship yells out the name of a woman who wasn’t even part of that particular threesome. Oh yeah, that happened. And his wife was not okay with it.” — Becky, 42

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Threesomes come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they happen spontaneously. You’re out dancing one night and the next thing you know, you, your bestie and the dude you met at the bar a hot second ago are tangled up in bed. Or maybe you’ve got a steady partner, but someone from your past resurfaces and requited sexual tension sends sparks flying. For some couples, it’s highly erotic to watch their partner give and receive pleasure with another person.

No matter how you want to ménage à trois, it’s a top fantasy for both men and women, yet few are willing to take the plunge. Rightly so, it can be a tricky dynamic for even the most secure of couples and individuals to navigate. It’s unlikely that every three-way session will be red-hot and magical, but they can be safe and fun. Here are a few tips to help scratch that itch—and reduce any potential weirdness.

1. The more talking beforehand, the better

If you’re thinking about dipping your toe into the pool for a group swim, it’s vital to address hopes, fears and expectations. Whether you’re flying solo or embarking on this sexual path with a plus one, it’s best to over-communicate any potential concerns before getting into bed. Nothing kills a mood faster than a “you never told me that” revelation in the middle of sex. From disclosing STIs and discussing birth control to being clear on boundaries (i.e., who can touch what), more talking means less room for fallout and ruined friendships.

2. Get boundaries locked in and abide by them

Every person has a different sexual bottom line. In a group sex dynamic, it’s essential to understand—without question—what works and doesn’t work for all individuals involved before any panties are dropped. Consent and respect are key to any sexual experience.

3. There will be awkward moments—go with it

The handful of threesomes I’ve had have ranged from meh to mind-blowing. I tend to enter such dynamics with minimal expectations, because what may be smooth in my head doesn’t always translate in bed. Sometimes strong emotions surface or someone suffers from performance anxiety (it happens). Hooking up with multiple people at once can (understandably) make one self-conscious.

4. It goes without saying, but practice safe sex

This should go without saying, but whether you’re doing it with one person or more, safe sex is a must. Wash your hands before you play. Vaginal tissue is pretty delicate and you don’t want bacteria, germs or STIs transmitted via manual sex. Know which hand has gone where. Use whatever barrier method works best for you—condoms, diaphragms, dental dams and cervical caps are all options. If you have a latex allergy, consider nitrile alternatives. Condoms are also useful to use on toys that may be shared among participants.

5. Please, don’t get drunk

Having a threesome presents plenty of logistical considerations (and possible challenges) without bringing booze or drugs into the mix. I’m all for cutting loose from time to time (bring on the bubbly!), but it’s a smart idea to keep your inhibitions in check when you’re negotiating sex—period. I rely on visual cues from my partners, and if inebriated, I’m going to have a hard time reading a situation.

The bottom line is that threesomes aren’t for everyone. There’s a fine line between being GGG (Good, Giving and Game, an abbreviation coined by sex columnist Dan Savage) and doing something solely to please a partner. Before you have sex—any kind of sex—it’s important to feel safe, comfortable and happy.

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The post 5 Tips for a Successful Threesome first appeared on Tickle Kitty Blog.

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